My name is Reki, and this is the first post on this blog.
What will I write on here? No idea. For quite a while, I realised I have no creative outlet. Whatsoever. When I was younger, I used to play with my Schleich horses, make loom bracelets, record videos of myself reading a poem or talking about a mystery building I noticed on my way to extracurricular English. I read books all the time, I did not watch much television - when my friends in school were raving about Riverdale, I said I didn't like tv shows - which was indeed partially true. I had watched no Netflix; only an occasional movie night with my family or a visit to the cinema. When 'Dancing with the Stars' came on the TV, for me it was phenomenal and the most exciting thing to watch. I loved horses. I used to spend whole days daydreaming about all the things I'll do once I get my very own lovely horse. I spent hours drawing and designing all the tack and browsing the internet for the most expensive, fanciest colour-matching brushes and hoof picks. I used to have a blog just like this, about Star Stable, figurines, life, so committed to writing that I wrote posts on my tiny Xiaomi Redmi 4A.
Now, I spend most of my time watching YouTube. I watch self-help, skincare, gameplay videos and just about any videos once I get sucked in. I never create anything, I am merely a consumer.
I have big aspirations to do extremely well in school, yet I do not study. I procrastinate for days at a time, and then stress when I get a bad grade even though I know damn well, that the only person responsible for this is me.
I constantly worry. I do not like spending time with my friends, all of them seem so different, distant. I worry about my looks. I always knew, that I was the weird, tall girl with no sense of fashion, kinda boyish, nerdy, cringy and with a small handful of friends - yet only now did I start to care. I realise how different I am from all the other beautiful girls. I worry I will end up alone, with no one to love such a person like me.
I worry about my future. I do not want to go to university, work my butt off studying full-time with a job on the side to pay for rent, then get a 9 to 5, and experience every day the same until the day I die from old age or commit suicide. I know I am, as brilliantly described in "All the Light We Cannot See", 'middle class garbage'. I live a comfortable lifestyle, having access to all the working class education and entertainment, all designed to keep you feeling safe and comfortable and working for the rich men. That way, everyone ends up on the path I just talked about. We as humans are naturally drawn to comfort, not success. I feel like my life is a flat line, and I think this feeling is pretty accurate, considering everything around me. But that is the very last thing I want. What I want, is a life full of adventures. Ups and lows.
I used to have a special person. It was the first time I have ever felt this way and I discovered so much about life. Objectively speaking, it was a horrible time of my life... but I remember it as being one of the most wonderful periods. Why? It was spikey. It was extreme ups and extreme downs. A period filled with euphoria, love, appreciation, and tears, heartbreak and sorrow. Once all that was gone and my life came to a steady line once again, I felt empty. And I still do. I'm not saying I want to go back to the state I was in, because I do not. But it made me realise what life is really about.
That's why, this blog will be dedicated to creating. It will be dedicated to curves and spikes and childish curiosity. I will document my steps of trying to make me love my life once again.
With love,
Reki
